


Epic Web Battles of A03: Cardin Winchester vs The Cuckoo Twins

by AnnoyingPokeGirl



Category: Epic Rap Battles of History (Web Series), RWBY, Star Wars - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Anti-Faunus Racism (RWBY), Cussing, F/M, Mild Sexual Content, Rap Battles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 17:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30058986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnoyingPokeGirl/pseuds/AnnoyingPokeGirl
Summary: Bird-named bullies from private academies of fighters square off in a rap battle. What could go wrong?





	Epic Web Battles of A03: Cardin Winchester vs The Cuckoo Twins

EPIC

WEB BATTLES OF A03

Rey Skywalker: Alright, motherfuckers, it’s the first battle of this series. We’re going off with a specific theme to start off: Bird-named bullies from a private academy of fighters! The prize for the winner, voted in by you? Immortality and 100 billion dollars, along with a smaller prize of their choice! All they have to do is have the right flows! Now, without further ado: The rappers!

CARDIN WINCHESTER

VS

THE CUCKOO GIRLS

BEGIN

**Cardin**

Cardin Winchester, bitches

Gonna bench press these bitches

Gotta keep my body ready so I can dig some ditches

For where I’m gonna dump your Barbie bodies once I’m through with you

Cause when I rock the mic, I’ve got the prowess of a leader who

Led my team to victory more times than you could count

(CRDL appears behind him, posing).

While Sentinels rip you apart and stomp your brains into the ground

(Montage of Sentinels from Days of Future Past murdering mutants)

Your tits may be killer and your bodies may be diamond

But a swing from Winchester will leave you on your ass and crying, man

I’ll rip your bimbo asses apart, one by one

Do what I did to Jaune, and I know it’ll be fun

(Jaune appears behind Cardin. Cardin hits him in the stomach with the butt of his mace: “Ow!”)

Step to me, and the things I do, even he won’t be able to fix

Because you mutant cunts ain’t nothing but hoes and tricks

**Cuckoos**  
(Irma and Phoebe are leaned in on either side of Celeste’s ear, whispering)

Oh, what’s that Irma? Did I hear you right, Phoebe?

This battle’s gonna be one hell of a freebie?

Hmph! Not surprising, seeing as the “man” we’re up against

Takes his insults from a schoolboy shouting through a chain-link fence!

We’re the daughters of Frost, cloned to perfection

Each of us forged with a psychic connection

And beauty that gives men of all ages a conniption

(Celeste blows a kiss at Cardin. He grins.)

You’ve got a hell of body, we’ll give you that

(Irma: “Nice ass!”) (Phoebe: “Flex for us!”)

But beneath that cute face, your brain’s rather flat

And yes, you may have saved Arc from that Ursa

But no one’s gonna save you from this verse, huh?

(Jaune looks up incredulously from his prone position: “Wait, what? I saved Cardin, he didn’t- UGH!” Cardin kicks him with a boot, breaking his nose.)

Cardin

Quiet, you obnoxious little runt, the big kids are talking

And I’m about to make sure these hot little birds go home walking

Like they took my “mace” straight up their X-Holes

(Irma: “Okay!”) (Phoebe: “Maybe.”)(Celeste: “No!”)

I’ll get my Hunter boys together and we’ll stomp out your X-School

Cause you live for the whims of a crippled old man, stuck in his ways

And I’d like to watch you get fried, just like you were Jean Grey

(Montage of Jean Grey getting fried. Cardin mimes “jacking off” to it.)

You mutie fucks are like the Faunus, I’m gonna start culling you at birth

(Raises his mace and swings as if he was hitting an invisible target at ground level).

Beacon Academy, bitches, we always come first!

(Irma: “He’s really setting himself up for that one, huh?”) (Phoebe: “Seriously, too easy!”)

**Cuckoos**

Alright, fine, I’ll bite. Do you really not see what’s wrong with that?

Maybe your stamina is as bad as your rhymes are:

(Phoebe: “Flat!”)

So take your pretty face, bad attitude, and your shit flows

Cause we can all tell compensating for your tiny little ruby “rose”.

(Irma: “Ooh!”) (Phoebe: “Burn!”)

**Cardin**

Hm. All right, I’ll admit. You’ve got me worked up.

Ask any girl at Beacon who’s got the best cock.

(Cut to Pyrrha giving a confirming shrug. Jaune’s eyes go wide near her. “Wait, what? No!” Pyrrha shrugs again.)

I could take your mom 20 times and still go for round two!

(Brief shot of Emma Frost smirking.)

And now I think I’m done rapping, I might just show you.

(Cardin loudly starts removing his belt.)

**Cuckoos**

Oh, here he goes!

About to show us that little hose!

Girls, I think we’ve scored a victory!

(Phoebe: “Yeah!”) (Irma blows a kiss “Mwah!”)

Cause we just won like we were Wolver- HUUUUH!

(Cardin’s pants drop to the floor. Celeste is cut off mid-sentence. Her eyes light up in awe and growing glee, and she covers her mouth. Her sisters cling to either side of her with similar faces, like they just won the lottery.

(Phoebe: “Oh my god!”) (Irma: “Nevermind!”)

BATTLE: OVER!

(Shot of the end of a bed. It’s moving back and forth, hard. Creaking and banging. Male grunts and a trio of female moans, screams, and giggles can be heard. Rey walks into frame, her eyes darting back and forth to the bed.)

Rey: Um....Wow….That thing is like a third leg, holy hell...Right, sorry! Anyways, dear viewers: Here comes the time: WHO WON! WHO’S NEXT! YOU DECI-

Celeste: HE WON! HE WON! OH FUCK! OH, GOD, HE’S SO BIG! HE FUCKING WON! AH!

Cardin: YEAH, I FUCKING DID! TAKE IT! GODDAMN! FUCK, YOU CUNTS ARE TIGHT!

(The chorus of giggles and grunts grow louder, and the bed’s banging picks up speed. Rey’s eyes go wide.)

Rey: Um...that’s a forfeit. So it looks like the immortality and 100 billion dollars go to...Cardin! And for his personal pick, it looks like he wanted…(Rey reads from a sheet of paper)...a full night of banging with every girl in the X-Mansion! Well...he’s gonna have his hands full.

(The sound of grunting and groaning hits a peak, and a victorious shout rings out, followed by a chorus of female screams. The banging and creaking slows, until it’s done. The deed is finished.)

Rey: Well, apologies to our readers, but you don’t need to pick the winner for this one. However, you can still suggest the next battle in the comments. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to...congratulate the winner.

(The camera goes black. The sound of Rey’s robes hitting the floor sounds out. You hear a jump and the bed creak as yet another climbs onto it.)

Cardin: Sorry ref, I think I’m tapped out.

(There’s a light kissing sound.)

Rey: No...no, I don’t think you are.

Cardin: Oh...fuck yes.

(A chorus of female giggles ring out.)


End file.
